Apologizing, Softness and Humanity's Web

I've been trying something lately: when I regret an action, no matter how small, I try to apologize to the person who I wronged. This doesn't sound revolutionary, but given how difficult I've found it, I think I haven't done it as much as I should have. And I've found the emotional payoff to be enormous.

For example, a few weeks ago I snapped at the shuttle driver who takes me to work. I won't go into detail, but let me just say that he started it and I one-upped him, including mentioning his supervisor. During the ride, I stewed about his reaction but finally realized that I was more upset about mine. When I got out, I went around to his window and apologized--there was no need for me to speak that way. He said there was no need for me to apologize (which just shows the level of hostility we're all used to dealing with), but since then, we've been able to have pleasant interactions. I left feeling like I'd improved someone's day, instead of adding to the negativity in his world and mine.

Let me be clear that I'm not talking about apologizing for asserting my rights or taking up space. I've also learned that people (especially women like me) end up apologizing instead of saying thank you, thanks to this great illustration. As I'm teaching my children how to interact in the world, and setting limits on how they're allowed to speak to me, I'm  learning to take responsibility for my own behavior. I don't believe that it is ever justified to be mean or even use a rude voice. I'm certainly not saying that I don't still do these things, just that I'm learning to recognize when I do and apologize for it.

Apologizing for yelling at my kids is one thing. But what about if someone is physically attacking me? I would be rude. I would be mean. I would do whatever I needed to get out of the situation. And I doubt I'd apologize. However, I believe it would be better, if possible, to handle the situation calmly and respectfully. One thing that I've learned both from parenting and training in martial arts is that meeting force with force is rarely effective.

Our Grandmaster teaches us to respond to a force in the manner of a trampoline: absorbing, zero-ing out and responding with such softness that the opponent doesn't even register that he is being controlled. This is an ideal that I strive toward, although I won't sacrifice the safety of myself or my family to achieve it.

Short of the threat of physical harm, verbal exchanges offer a training ground for responding with softness. My emotional reaction might be hostile, but it is still possible to respond mindfully. Parenting provides ample opportunity for practice: it is astounding to me how simply repeating back a child's words--acknowledging that I hear what she is saying, what she wants, without saying I'll give it to her--releases the pressure of the interaction to a point where progress can be made. (For more on this, and other techniques that worked shockingly well for us, check out How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish). 

I'm attempting to use this in discussions on politics: acknowledge instead of arguing. A mean response to a rude statement will only cause the instigator to build up their defenses. There is no way to teach through, or learn behind, a wall. When the hatches are battened, there is no possibility for communications.

A ten-minute interaction with the shuttle driver may not be a big thing, but the attitude that he and I both took through our day could have affected ten or more people. Their attitudes in turn would have affected the people they encountered: truly an exponential effect.

These kinds of one-on-one connections are what I believe to be humanity's most hopeful feature, so I'm striving to make my contributions as positive as possible.  I invite you to join me...

Review: The Way of the River by BK Loren

The subtitle of the book is "Adventures and Meditations of a Woman Martial Artist" and one review that I read before checking this out said she didn't think it was applicable to the book that the author was female. While it's true that the insights BK Loren offers should be of interest to people of any gender, being female is of fundamental importance to the experiences in and uses of martial arts that she describes.

As a female martial artist of almost twenty years, I was fascinated to read of the ease of which the author excelled in the styles she practiced. One thing my experience in martial arts has taught me is the importance of size and strength. I've realized how much, on average, women are at a disadvantage in a physical confrontation. Although I am confident that practicing a martial art will mitigate those disadvantages, the net result will depend on the situation and other people involved. So far, this remains untested for me. I attribute this to a combination of the privilege of my socio-economic class, simple dumb luck and possibly avoiding acting like a victim, but I'm not stupid enough to think it might not, someday, be tested. So it was intriguing to learn that the author attributes so much of her success both in and outside of the kwoon to the practice of internal martial arts.

When I was competing in karate tournaments ten years ago, I started practicing yoga to increase the stillness of my mind and balance in my body. Back then, this was a separate discipline from my martial art training but I am lucky enough to be part of a martial arts school that does not stand still. Our Fukukancho, Mike Ninomiya, is bringing yoga and qigong practice into the dojo since he believes those practices will not only help us age gracefully but are also key to successful fighting. This book repeatedly validated that belief: almost all the physical confrontations the author describes were resolved without force, using instead the acute observational and decision-making abilities that she has learned and practiced in her martial arts training.

It is for this reason I believe this book would be of interest to a wider audience than just female martial artists (although I recognize my inability to make that judgement from the 'inside'). So much of self-defense is about what comes before things get physical. So much of a healthy life comes from granting attention to the silence within. So much of living on Earth involves recognizing that humanity is simply a part of the natural world.  BK Loren expresses these sentiments and more with this collection of sometimes beautiful and sometimes disturbing anecdotes, so that reading this collection feels like dipping into a river of refreshing and challenging insights.